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Most of my
life I have had a love/hate relationship with the scale. The number that
was displayed on the screen had so much super power over my mind, my emotions,
and my worth. Whether it was high/or low it would determine if I would
receive love from the man that was forcing me to step on it weekly.
A high number would bring the punishment of less food and more movement,
but the thing that hurt the most was the disappointment behind his eyes.
"Why can't you look like the other girls?" I was a
constant source of disappointment for my father in the area of weight.
CONSTANT.
If the number was low we would celebrate with a sweet treat of some sort. I seem to remember carnation instant breakfast bars covered in chocolate being my favorite. The lower number would almost always come with an "I'm so proud of you!"
And all this heartache before puberty.
To my heart the scale represented:
a way into my dad's heart
approval
acceptance
success
beauty
value
Everything my little girl heart wanted came only thru the condition of the scale. Would it find me worthy of love today, tomorrow … forever?
How could one object have so much power over me?
In February of 1991, I stepped on that scale and it showed a weight loss of over 30lbs. "I lost that much weight in ONE month. Are you kidding me? I can NOT wait for my dad to see this number. He's gonna be so proud of me." My heart was beaming and my smile couldn't contain the joy. I don't remember any of my dad's reaction. But I do remember being rushed to the emergency room and being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I do remember them telling me that I had severe diabetic keto-acidosis (which causes drastic weight loss) and them saying I was lucky to be alive. Dr.'s mentioned that I was minutes away from being comatose.
That amazing weight loss was never celebrated because as soon as I was re-hydrated the pounds came right back on along with the disappointment.
Throughout my life I've seen that scale fluctuate often and in huge amounts. The most recent was my pregnancy. I gained 120lbs and never felt more like a failure in all my life. You know that phrase that all women say to each other after having children "Wow- you look amazing after having a baby"… that one was never ever given to me. Cause let's face it, I was every women's worse nightmare of pregnancy weight gain. My pregnancy was horrendous with bed rest, placenta previa, emergency appendectomy, pre-eclampsia...and the list goes on. Anyway, it was rough and my body didn't recover quickly at all. So here I am 11 years later, and the baby weight still hasn't left my body. I've done countless diets, got on dozens of scales, seen doctors, and laid down on several counselor's couches. NOTHING WORKED!! That blasted scale still had power over me and how I saw myself and my life. One big FAILURE stamped on my forehead.
Until last year. 2012 was the year of great pain, and great discovery. It was a year of feasting on the benefits of the Lord. It was a year of dying to my self. It was a year of ugliness bubbling over and me placing it before the Lord to heal. It was a year of the Lord putting training wheels on my will and showing me how to use to line up with what His plans are for me. It was a year of being set free from the bondage of the scale over my life. It was AH-mazing. It HURT!
In Jan, 2012, I asked the Lord if He would step into my abundance of health issues (obesity being just one). And He did. In Feb, He asked me to step away from the cheesecake and Grandma's cookies and fast them. "Will you trust me?" I kept hearing. In Sept, He asked me to take out grain and eat a paleo lifestyle for a season.
I type before you today weighing in 35lbs less! WOW- Amy, good job girl! Well thanks!
Just this past week I attended a conference type of thing at my church and the Lord spoke sooooo clearly to my heart that I was free from the scale and it's power over me. He said He was proud of me, and that I was beautiful. Those words may seem so blah and generic, but when you hear them in your heart and you know their source is from your true Father in Heaven. The one who thought you up and created you and placed you in the body that you are walking through life in ... you just know You're Loved, You're Special to His heart, You're Beautiful. You know your source. You're like, connected to that ONE thing you've searched for your whole stinkin' life. Your DADDY!!
Anyway- He gave me an assignment. He told me to graffiti my scale. ( I can hear y'all's thoughts right now..."Why on earth would someone who was defined by a number ever had a scale in her home?" Sick obsession to finally gain my dad's love. )
So God told me, "That scale has been writing lies on your soul for over 25 years, it's time to get your sharpie and write some truth on it".
I obeyed with a smile on my face and terror in my body. I wrote
the truth to the lies I had heard from as early as 7 yrs. old. And then I heard
the chains drop...they were loud and it scared me. The victory was SWEET!
(Sweeter then any Oreo or Reese's;) )
I sent the image to a friend and said should I post it?? She said, "DO IT!" I posted it and then FREAKED OUT!! I contemplated taking it down probably 100x. My insides shook. I even cried a little (cause that's what I do when I get free).
I sent the image to a friend and said should I post it?? She said, "DO IT!" I posted it and then FREAKED OUT!! I contemplated taking it down probably 100x. My insides shook. I even cried a little (cause that's what I do when I get free).
And then there was peace. I did it...
I Killed the Monster-
I Killed the Monster-
